


The Human AU Of Gay Idiots

by swordfaery



Category: All Hail King Julien, Madagascar (Movies), Penguins of Madagascar
Genre: I just love my children, M/M, and me changing things whenever i feel like it, because thats just what i do, lots of rambling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-27
Updated: 2020-04-24
Packaged: 2021-02-18 08:40:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,368
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21991336
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/swordfaery/pseuds/swordfaery
Summary: Human Madagascar au.They all live in an apartment auSkipper doesn't need or want a boyfriend; he has a very high demand job and three men to command and he's barely over the last guy he refuses to admit he has a crush on.So why the hell would he want to spend time with his loud, over exuberant, attractive new neighbour?spoiler alert: he likes him.
Relationships: King Julien XIII/Skipper, again i dont know yet, probably other people - Relationship
Comments: 38
Kudos: 79





	1. one

Skipper was undergoing his morning routine of waiting for Rico to finish cooking kippers for breakfast when there was a knock at the door sounded and immediately he assumed the best position for knocking out the intruder if they turned out to be dangerous. He opened the door a crack and waited for the intruder to open it further.

"Whichever of you is waiting behind the door to knock me out, please, please don't bother." said the slightly exasperated voice of Marlene. 

"Marlene!" said Skipper, opening the door wider to let her in, and giving her a friendly punch as greeting. "Good to see you, fancy some kippers?" 

Marlene rubbed her arm, "Yeah, no, actually I didn't come here for kippers, I have a more important matter to discuss- are Kowalski and Private in?" 

Kowalski, who had been drooling all over his mechanical engineering textbooks, jerked awake at the sound of his name. After letting out an incomprehensible babble of probably made up words he returned to his book, using it correctly this time. 

"Three out of four will do," Marlene sat down without being invited, and pulled out a notebook. Skipper felt as though perhaps he should do something about Marlene feeling far too comfortable in his apartment, but didn't see the point. Right now she was about to spill some stupid overly sentimental idea that for some reason had something to do with them, and he would say no, and Private would beg until he changed his mind. Private however was in bed watching the drama go down in the Brony analysis community, and so there was absolutely no chance of Marlene's terrible plan happening. 

"Game night is tonight, I know you four barely ever attend but tonight I'd like you to host."

Skipper nearly spat his coffee everywhere. 

"Why in tarnation would you want us to host. Has an alien taken over what was once the fleshy prison of my good friend Marlene?" 

"If I've guessed correctly," said Kowalski in his most insufferable voice, which meant he most likely had, "this is about our new neighbours,"

"Yeah!" Marlene pointed her pencil at Kowalski. "Ten points to Ravenclaw, I'm inviting your new neighbours to game night!"

Game night, or as Skipper liked to think of it, torture night. Apart from the obvious fact that he was far too over competitive for board games, being in the same room as everyone else from this godforsaken block of flats was torture. Some of the residence were tolerable, sure, Marlene for example. But most of them got on his nerves and beat him at uno and honestly he would avoid the stupid thing all together if Private didn't beg him from time to time. 

Hang on... new neighbours? 

"We're getting new neighbours! But I liked our old neighbours," 

Marlene snorted, and Kowalski made a snide comment about how they had all noticed. Even Rico's shoulders were shaking slightly, as though he was laughing. 

"Yeah, yeah we were all aware of how much you liked one of your neighbours in particular," said Marlene, and Kowalski laughed into his physics textbook. 

"I did not," Skipper felt his cheeks heating up, "have a crush on Alex, I did not listen to him singing in the shower ever, and anyway he's coming back." he realised his mistake a second later. "I mean they're coming back! All four of them, Alex and Marty and- blast what were the others name, "Sneeze face?" 

Marlene, Kowalski, and Rico were now all openly laughing at him. 

"Skipper the only thing funnier than your ridiculously obvious crush on Alex was his ridiculous obliviousness," began Kowalski, and Marlene interrupted with a series of oohs and remember whens. 

She went on to recount a completely untrue and highly exaggerated account of the time Skipper had supposedly bought a circus trying to impress Alex, only for him to run off with the pretty trapeze artist for two weeks, and return with a back tattoo and still no interest in Skipper. 

Skipper of course was not listening to the poppycock spewing from Marlene's mouth, and instead finished his coffee. He then ate the kippers Rico had prepared, did twenty press ups, and finally couldn't stand it any longer and yelled at Marlene. 

Marlene folded her arms and glared at him until he stopped yelling and began speaking normally. 

"Marlene how do you know we have new neighbours?" asked Skipper calmly. 

Marlene rolled her eyes. "We've all known for weeks, Alex, Marty, Melmin and Gloria all went off to be Broadway Stars, and we have some new people moving in-"

Skipper did not like the sound of this,

"To get to know them we're going to have another whole flat game night, in your apartment as its opposite theirs-"

Skipper really did not like the sound of this.

"Anyway technically I came here to ask permission, but I already told everyone so I guess this is more of a warning?" 

"Marlene," said Skipper slowly, "I will kill you," 

Kowalski looked up, and gave Marlene a look which suggested she should probably take Skipper seriously, and with that she dashed out of the kitchen and shut the door behind her. 

*************

After Skipper had beat the hell out of his new punching bag, drunk several more cups of coffee, and sent Marlene a series of angry texts, he calmed down enough to realise that game night was happening in his apartment whether he liked it or not, and someone had to set things up. 

"Rico! You're on snacks!"

"Aye, aye Skipper!"

"Kowalski, start rearranging the furniture!"

"Already on it,"

"Private, music!"

"Yes Sir!"

His men were good, thought Skipper, breathing in the smell of homemade wasabi from Rico's incredible sushi. Alex had loved that sushi- Skipper had tried to make it for him himself once, only for the kitchen to end up covered in rice- Alex had helped clear up though, such a nice guy- no! Skipper slapped himself hard in the face. No daydreaming about Alex! No daydreaming about all the great times he and Alex had had together! 

Pulling himself together, Skipper decided to check on how Kowalski was planning on seating everybody. Seating arrangements were art. The right people had to be next to each other so the evening didn't end in an out and out brawl. As well as that the right people had to be near the right snacks. You couldn't put people who liked doritos next to the bowl of chocolate peanuts- it just wasn't right! 

Kowalski seemed to fairing well, he had got his magnetic whiteboard out and was moving tiny magnets with name labels attached to them around, muttering to himself. Skipper left him to it. Clearly the man had it under control. 

"Rico!" 

"Uh huh"

"I'm going to see Marlene, you're in charge,"

"Hell yeah!"

Regretting his decision only slightly as he ran down the stairs to Marlene's apartment, Skipper pondered over what the new neighbours would be like. Hopefully they'd be quiet, and able to ignore the perhaps slightly dodgy business that would often be going on next door. 

He banged on Marlene's door until she- rather grumpily- let them in. By the looks of it she had been washing her hair before Skipper had arrived, and told him to wait five minutes for her to get dressed. Skipper was more than happy to oblige. Marlene was like the sister he'd never had, and her advice was invaluable at times. Also she could give him more information on the new neighbours before they arrived. 

"All I know-" yelled Marlene over the roar of her hairdryer, "- Is that there's three of them coming," she began brushing her shiny ginger-ish hair, and Skipper welcomed the sudden quiet that came with it. 

"Have you met them?"

"No," Marlene took a few steps back so to clearly admire herself in the mirror. "I heard that one of them was royalty though, from Madagascar, so be on your best behaviour," 

Skipper really did not care about some Madagascan princess, and made noncommittal noises at all the clothing Marlene tried to make him help her choose between until he was kicked out. Having best friends who weren't Kowalski and didn't want to talk to him about commando stuff and making things blow up was still something Skipper was getting the hang of. 

***********

The first thing Skipper thought when he saw the new neighbours was "shit,". 

The second thing he thought was "that's no princess," 

The man who walked into Skipper's apartment, holding out a hand for skipper to shake, was, to put it one way, really fucking hot.

His hair was curly, and pulled up in a tiny ponytail, that through some hair dye genius was stripy, and had several glitzy gold rings keeping it up. He was wearing a cropped pink tank top with "Baby Slut" written on, and tiny denin shorts, with three or four glitzy gold belts and floaty colourful scarfs tucked into the belt loops. He was muscular, not in the way Skipper was ripped and intimidating, but in a light, toned way. His tanned arms were covered with gold bangles and colourful beaded bracelets which clinked as he moved, and he was covered in freckles. 

"Hello," he said, holding out an overly decorated hand for Skipper to shake, "I am King Julien of the Madagascar, but, as this is New York you will be calling me Julien," 

Skipper mumbled his own greeting, whilst having his first gay crisis of the evening, Private babbling in the background about some stupid friendship thing. 

"Kowalski," hissed Skipper, hoping his oldest wisest friend would be some sort of help. His hopes were in vain as Kowalski just waggled his eyebrows at Skipper in a suggestive way. Stupid friendship. 

In the sitting room, Marlene and Rico had started a game of twister, completely ignoring Kowalski's seating plan, as was the norm on game nights. Marlene was winning, as she was clearly far more flexible than Rico, who was for some unknown reason: shirtless. Private went over to help them by manning the spinner, leaving Skipper at the mercy of Kowalski and his hot new neighbour.

"Want to play... uno?" asked Kowalski, gesturing towards Julian, the two other new people whose names Skipper hadn't bothered to listen to, and Skipper. The smallest of the new people, a boy younger than even Private, giggled delightedly at this.

"Oh uno, I love uno- wait whats an uno?" 

"Its a game," said Kowalski, before giving the most confusing and long winded explanation of the game Skipper had ever heard. Julien nodded and blinked a lot during this explanation, his ponytail bobbing in an almost hypnotizing way.

"Yes so I understood almost none of that," he said, once Kowalski had finished, "but we will play anyway, won't we Maurice," 

Maurice, an older, tired looking man, sat down heavily on the sofa. "Yeah sure, we'll play your complicated colourful game."

Five minutes later Julien shouted uno, while the other four players lay buried under the piles of cards they had somehow been saddled with. 

"I thought you'd never played this game before, Ringtail?" said Skipper, in his most accusatory voice, trying not to let show what a sore looser he was. 

"Ring-tail?" Asked Julien, rolling the word around his mouth, "Oh because I am having the pony tail of rings, clever clever," 

Skipper ignored how good the feeling of his nickname being approved made him feel, and instead focused on not punching something when Julien inevitable won. This self restraint was hard to maintain when Julien went on to win snakes and ladders, snap, ludo. Skipper was just about to suggest poker, no one could beat him at poker, and certainly not a stupidly handsome ponytailed man who showed every thing he thought on his face the second he thought it, when Julien grabbed his hand and pulled him over to the twister mat that Phil, Mason and Burt had recently vacated. 

Kowalski was doing the spinning for them, and Skipper did not trust him one bit. Kowalski had once spent a whole week triggering tiny incidents that he thought would lead to Skipper going on a date with who he believed was the guy of Skipper's dreams. 

They hadn't been playing long, and yet Julien's ass was pressed against Skipper's face, and Skipper's hand was shoved between Julien's legs. If not for his pride and overly competitive nature he would have given up by now, but alas Skipper was a stubborn bastard. 

The game of twister ended with Skipper falling and landing on top of Julien, a position Kowalski was no doubt thrilled with. Unfortunately, there was no chance of another game as it was getting late, and Skipper had a pillow to scream into. 

"See you tomorrow," called Julien as he left, his stupid ponytail bobbing after him. 

Skipper turned to his boys, the men he would trust with his lives. "Not one word," he warned, before stalking back into his bedroom.


	2. two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> long one for you fellahs.  
> Well, long-ish  
> ok, only about 3k words, but for me thats a long chapter.

The next day looked beautiful and promising, the sort of day Skipper could really get behind. He went for his morning run, ate his morning kippers, did a very quick, non lethal morning mission, and then had a morning stretch on the balcony. He was just about to order the boys on a mission to clean the apartment, when an awful din that sounded vaguely like Bees Gees' staying alive blasted through their apartment. 

The beautiful morning Skipper was having melted away. 

"Will someone silence this music!" he yelled, which did absolutely nothing but felt good. Then he marched across the corridor and rapped loudly on the door. 

The boy with huge eyes peered around the door and blinked up at him. "Hello?" he said, and Skipper felt a strange urge to protect the little gremlin child with his life. 

"Hey Sad-Eyes, could you turn your music down?"

"King Julien is doing the pilates, he needs the loud."

"I'll speak to him," Skipper pushed Sad-Eyes aside, gently, and stalked crossly in to the sitting room where Julien was wearing a pair of very tight leggings and the tiniest tank top Skipper had ever seen. 

"Ah, Skipper, when I said see you tomorrow I was not expecting to see you here right now- and this is not me doing the complaining,"

"I am complaining." Said Skipper shortly. "Would you please turn your music down, Ringtail, some of us have things to do." 

"Well since you asked so nicely- Maurice! Turn the base down so Skipper and all his friendies can do their thingies!" 

Skipper had honestly expected more resistance, and had been preparing to threaten to phone Alice, or kick the speakers to pieces. "Oh, well thank you," he said instead. Maybe living next to Julien would be ok. 

"Skipper would you join me for some pilates? Put those beautiful arms to some actual use- Maurice don't you think Skipper should do some pilates with me- he does, Skipper he thinks you should,"

Skipper really didn't want to. First of all with Julien looking like that he really didn't think he could cope with having his ass in his face again, and second of all, and the only reason he would admit to, he did need to get back to his boys. 

**********

"Skipper, I think you should see this," Kowalski passed him the binoculars that had been tampered with beyond belief so they could show heat signatures, x-rays, and how evil their thoughts were. 

Currently, it was the final of these modifications that Kowalski was referring to. A tall bald man with a red and black robotic eye thingy was practically radiating evil. Skipper had never seen anyone radiate so much evil- although Kowalski was a self proclaimed genius, so it was possible that the binoculars were faulty.

"What should we do, Skipper," asked Private, and Skipper gave him a reassuring head pat. 

"Not to worry, young Private, we'll just watch his every move until he does something illegal and we can search him." 

Rico held up a stick of dynamite, and nodded hopefully at Skipper. Skipper shook his head. 

"Stealth is key to this mission, Rico," He said, as they crept along behind the suspiciously evil man. 

They tracked him around the city, taking it in turns with the binoculars, Rico making the occasional unhelpful suggestion involving blowing something up, Kowalski violently defending his invention any time any even hinted that perhaps binoculars couldn't detect evil thoughts. 

After spending the better part of the afternoon following him around, Skipper made the executive decision for them to go home, and for Kowalski to find him on the internet. 

They made a quick stop to get snow cones, Skipper and Private choosing the superior flavour of rainbow, Kowalsi and Rico choosing the less superior flavour of blue. 

"Ok," said Skipper, licking his snow cone, "So the afternoon was not the greatest success," Skipper turned to glare at his friend, "Kowalski!"

Kowalski looked down at his thumbs, which he was twiddling anxiously, and mumbled something about genius. 

"But!" Continued Skipper, "That does not mean we should be sad! Men. We are still us! We are still a deadly force to be reckoned with!" 

Rico and Private clapped politely, while Kowalski moped. It was an unusually successful pep talk. 

"Now lets finish our delicious snow cones and leave! Private, you have homework."

*************

Skipper was not the grumpiest person in the world. Admittedly he was not the most patient, but he wasn't the grumpiest either, which in his mind made him practically a saint. Yet he was pretty sure even an actual saint would be at the end of their patience with Julien. Every night for the past week he had had the loudest, most sleep disturbing party he could- and even though he was more than happy to turn his music down for Skipper during the day, during the night was a different matter. 

How he had made so many friends in such a short space of time was a complete mystery to Skipper, but Marlene, who had been to his party for a few hours on Friday, had said that everyone there was really nice, and there was a lot of dancing being done. 

Skipper believed there was a time and a place for dancing, but unless he actually went ahead with his threats to call Alice, which everyone knew he wouldn't, it seemed that he would be alone in that belief. King Julien was now officially his arch nemesis, and Skipper didn't care who knew. 

"I will wring his neck," he said to Marlene, as he sat on her sofa telling her his problems. It was a newly devised system of problem sharing that was cheaper than therapy, so both Marlene and Skipper used it frequently. "I mean I'm so sleep deprived, the other day I tried to fight Kowalski. I thought he was Hans for a second." 

"You could try putting on noise cancelling headphones?"

"I'm not made of money, Marlene, and besides, it's the principal of the thing!" 

"Ok, ok, I'm just saying..."

"Well don't! I hate him and I want him gone." 

Marlene shook her head and refilled Skipper's coffee cup. He chugged it, and sighed dramatically. "Oh Marlene, I fear this may be the end of me,"

"Cool, cool, we still on for movie night tomorrow- because Kowalski promised that I could pick the movie, and I have the perfect one picked out,"

"I doubt you can hear the movie over the sound of those crazy carnival lovers partying away, but sure. Movie night is still a go." 

Marlene punched the air in celebration. 

"I'm still cross," said Skipper, sitting up and readjusting the knives in his belt. Marlene got up to grab him some ice cream and a target to throw knives at. She was a real treasure that woman. 

"You know Skipper," said Marlene, when she returned with ice cream, "He is completely your type,"

Skipper spluttered indignantly, plunged his knife into the side of the sofa, and spat ice cream everywhere. "What did you just say, actually no, I don't want to hear it. Marlene you are dead to me. Dead! To! Me!" 

He stood up, and began pacing around her room. "I don't even have a type, I'm an incredibly successful cov-ops man, and even if I did have a type- which I don't, it would not be him!"

He threw three throwing knives at the target she'd set up in quick succession. "I can't believe you would even say that to me. Me. A military man. Who would never stoop so slow as to have a crush on anyone, let alone have a type."

He kicked the sofa angrily, and gave the wall a hard blow with the side of his hand. "Danger is my type, Marlene! Danger and action!"

Marlene nodded, and made uh huh noises, clearly unimpressed. "I'm just saying you do have a type, even if you don't know it. Tall, crazy hair, flamboyant, love of performance, fifty percent stupid, who am I describing? Alex, Julian, Hans?" 

Skipper spent a few minutes debating whether or not he'd loose his job if he killed Marlene. "Shut up right now!" he barked, "I do not like Ringtail. I did not like Alex. Hans was a stupid mistake I never should have dated." 

Marlene seemed to sense she had pushed Skipper a little too far, as she held up her hands in the universal surrender position, and said "Ok. You don't have a type." 

Realising that he too may have been slightly over dramatic, Skipper relaxed his posture a little. "I shouldn't have shouted at you," he said, sitting back down on the sofa. feeling relieved when Marlene sat beside him. So she didn't hate him. 

"You wanna go for a swim?" said Marlene, nudging Skipper with her shoulder. 

Skipper grinned at her, "You read my mind, Sister," 

***********************

Soaking wet, and wearing nothing but his speedos and a towel over his shoulders was how Skipper climbed the stairs back up to his apartment. One of the perks of having a swimming pool for a basement was that Skipper didn't have to go to all the bother of getting dressed when he was going to shower in his own bathroom immediately after. 

He was just about to unlock the door to his home and step inside, when he heard yelling. 

"Oh misery! Loneliness! A lifetime of death and destruction!" yelled a familiar, over dramatic, foreign accented voice. Skipper had no idea what was going on next door, but whatever it was it was loud. 

Against his better judgement, he knocked on the door, and then, realising it was unlocked, he pushed it open and went inside. Immediately a ginger woman leapt at him, her foot heading straight for his face, and Skipper's instincts took over. He ducked the foot, and used the heel of his palm to push the woman away from him, only for her to grab his neck and begin to squeeze. Skipper was not about to let this be how he died, and used his weight to disrupt her balance and send her toppling over. Then they were both on the floor wrestling each other, and Skipper was shirtless, and she was now all wet, and honestly it felt like the beginning of a bad romcom, if only Skipper wasn't gay. 

"Clover! Will you please not attack my neighbours!" Julien was standing over them both, looking vaguely amused. "Also, Skipper, my most bossity friend, I did not know you had a tattoo."

Skipper had been unconscious while the tattoo had been done, Rico had been getting his tongue pierced and Skipper had seen a really cool tattoo that would have looked really badass on his back, and momentarily forgot about his terrible phobia of needles. He passed out the second he saw the needle, and didn't wake up again until a beautiful pictures of two tatty wings with the odd feather missing were permanently emblazoned across his back. 

"Of course I have a tattoo, Ringtail, I'm a badass."

"Yes, they are of a very beautiful pair of wings. But you still cannot fly, like a penguin." 

"What."

"You know, Mr. Bossity Penguin, a flightless bird." 

Skipper pushed the ginger woman, Clover, off him, and folded his arms. He was sitting, almost entirely naked, in his sort-of-new neighbours apartment; this was not an ideal situation. "You were yelling. I came to see if you were ok, you obviously are, I'll be leaving now," He stood up, moderately embarrassed. 

"No no no, you shouldn't be leaving now! Maurice, tell him to stop!" Julien jumped at him, and wrapped his arms around Skipper in an awkward very one sided hug tackle, in an attempt to get him to stay. Skipper stopped walking. 

"The fuck you want now?" he said, arms pinned to his sides. He momentarily considered headbutting Julien hard in the nose to get him off, but decided that was too extreme, and instead kneed him in the groin. Julien gasped, and dropped to the ground, freeing Skipper so he could make a dash for the exit. Unfortunately, he forgot about Clover, who grabbed him, and then poked Julien with her foot. 

"Your majesty, what do you want with this, very muscular young man?" 

"I have a plan," wheezed Julien from the floor, uncurling himself from the fetal position. "Just, give me a second," 

Skipper decided that bolting now would make every future interaction he had with Julien unnecessarily awkward and horrible, and calmly stood up. "A plan for what?" 

Julien whimpered on the floor a bit more, before Maurice helped him to his feet. "Before you came bursting into my flat, something terrible happened!" he gave Clover a nasty look, and she gave a slightly sheepish shrug. "Clover, my bodyguard of many years, has quit on me!" 

"Ok?" said Skipper, not caring at all about any of this. "Get to the point, Ringtail,"

"And naturally I cannot be having parties without my bodyguard there, guarding my body! It is a security risk! Especially with all the people out there trying to kill me!" 

"So this is a happy story. No more parties! Excellent, can I leave." He emphasized the last word, hoping it would make Julien realise he was really not bothered about some uninteresting sob story. 

"No. Skipper, my penguin friend, you are not connecting the dots I'm laying out for you here! I need a new bodyguard. You are a bodyguard. Its a solution that works for everyone!" 

"No." said Skipper, not even waiting to be asked. "Nope, negatory, not happening, nada!"

"Oh come on! I cannot have parties without a guard for the royal booty!" 

Skipper did not want to think about the royal booty.

"I don't like your parties, Ringtail. I don't want to hang around you all day every day, I don't want-" There was a loud crash, and smoke filled the room. When it dispersed both Julien and Maurice were having coughing fits, and Rico was standing in between them all. 

"Phone," he said shortly, holding Skipper's out to him. It was ringing. 

"Thanks Rico," Skipper looked down at the phone. No caller ID, so either one of his nemesis or his boss. "Hello?" he said, accepting the call, hoping desperately that it would be some sort of secret mission. 

"You're King Julien's new bodyguard," said the voice on the other end of the phone.

"What in the name of- how do you guys even-this isn't some bad fanfiction, why the hell do I have to be his bodyguard?" 

"Less paperwork, you're between missions, Clover quit."

"What about free will! What about my say in this?" Skipper knew what these protests would get him: nothing, but he made them anyway. 

"You joined the army. That was your free will." 

Skipper hated his job sometimes. He hated it even more when Ringtail did a little dance on the spot after piecing the news together, and Rico pretended not to be laughing at him. Stupid commanding officers, stupid between missions making him free for bodyguard duty, stupid being a covert operative meaning people could reassign him whenever to wherever. And how had Ringtail even managed this?

"Hey, Ringtail, how did you even manage this? My higher command is like an impenetrable fortress of secrets so dark and twisted they make your secrets cry to their mamas!" 

Clover stood up, and steadied herself on Rico, which was most defiantly more about her touching Rico than anything else. 

"Before I quit I recommended you as my replacement- I guess they work fast." 

Skipper was done. He was completely done. "Rico, lets go home," 

Rico, the one person Skipper could always rely on in situations like these, threw a smoke bomb to the floor, and the he and Skipper weaved their way around the others, vanishing before anyone could make sense out of the confusion. 

******************

"So." Said Marlene through a mouthful of popcorn, "You're his bodyguard now. Like, for realsies?"

"Yes. For realsies as you put it. I'm the Ringtail's tail." Skipper had begun explaining the whole situation to his boys when Marlene showed up for movie night, and even though they'd tried putting on and watching the movie about some girl having her period and going mental, everyone was far more interested in Skipper's Julien problem. 

"Kowalski, are you sure you can't give me options here?" said Skipper, for what must have been the millionth time. Kowalski, who had at first suggested a ridiculously convoluted plan that involved way to many cuckoo crazy inventions and machines, just rolled his eyes. 

"Higher ups are higher up, Skipper." he said, which was something Skipper said whenever he wanted Kowalski to do something. Life was unfair. 

"Drugs?" said Rico, and then when everyone stared at him, he began tripping over his tongue trying to explain himself. "Like, 'umb the 'ain off ev-thin'" he managed, sticking his tongue out with effort. Rico's speech impediment was linked to his complete lack of desire to speak, and questionable upbringing. He'd tried learning sign language, and given up within a week, and although none of them would change anything about Rico, in situations like this he could be incredibly frustrating. 

"Drugs, Rico," said Skipper, in a calm voice, "Are really fucking illegal. Like, so illegal- we work for the government."

Rico shrugged. Kowalski did his incredibly annoying I'm-a-genius-why-must-I-put-up-with-this sigh, and Private whispered loudly to Marlene that he was enjoying the movie. He was lying, but it was sweet. 

"Look. why don't we view this as a positive, guys?" said Marlene, in a voice that suggested a pep talk was coming. Or possibly a dig into Skipper's personal life. Or maybe both. "Skipper, you like Julien. Now I know you're denying that you like like him but-"

"Marlene who the fuck even says that?"

"Private!" Skipper and Kowalski looked at each other in shock. "Who has been teaching you such language!" spluttered Kowalski, rubbing his eyes as if he expected Private to pull out a blunt and start smoking. 

"I'm nineteen, guys chill." Private blushed, "I know I shouldn't use such language, but really,"

"Guys, we're getting off topic!" Marlene glared at them all. "Skipper could be about to get laid here!"

All three of Skipper's boys immediately made ridiculous over dramated disgusted faces. Rico covered Private's eyes, which was completely unnecessary seeing as nothing was actually happening, and Kowalski mimed retching. 

"Hey!" Marlene snapped her fingers in front of their faces. "Frankly, you all need to get laid- Kowalski, what you have with Doris is harassment, Rico, a waifu is not a girlfriend, and Private," Marlene shook her head, "I mean you're a brony. Maybe we can start by chilling that out a bit."

"Marlene, you're the last person I'd want giving me romantic advice!" Skipper, throwing a piece of popcorn at her. "You're aro ace, and spend more sleeping than anyone else I know."

Marlene nodded thoughtfully, these were both fair points, and Skipper knew for a fact that she couldn't dispute them. "We'll have a bet. I'll give a prize to whichever of you gets a partner first- and if none of you are in relationships by the end of this year, you have to give me a prize."

This was a bet that benefited Skipper in absolutely no way shape or form, and would make it easier for Marlene to manipulate him. It would be idiotic to take the bet. "You're on! We accept the bet!" He said, ignoring the signals Kowalski was making at him. 

"But Skipper," began Private, and Skipper shushed him. There was no way that he, Skipper, was going to back down from a bet.

His phone rang, and he answered it, already plotting about how to win the bet. "We have a list of instructions regarding your new bodyguard duty, would you like them by email?" 

Oh yeah, thought Skipper, as he was informed that he was essentially to be stuck to Ringtail's side at all hours of the day. This.


	3. three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you to my american friends on discord who explained jukeboxes, waffle house, and new york to me

The problem with Julien was that he was incredibly annoying. Every time he heard music, whatever the situation, he would stop what he was doing and dance. Skipper would have been fine with that, or at least less ready to strangle the man he was supposed to be keeping safe, if Julien would leave it there. But no. Julien also tried to make Skipper dance with him, and Skipper's options were to a, stand completely still and let the tall buffoon wiggle his arms about; b, go with it and dance randomly in public; or c, wrestle Julien to the floor and pin his behind his back so he couldn't move. 

This was not the only annoying thing Julien did, but it was the one Skipper found himself thinking about the most. What self respecting person would just dance as the went into waffle house, holding the hand of the person next to them while the person next to them enacted option a of the several options they had for this situation? Julien apparently, who probably thought it was a cute, endearing quality. Well it wasn't. Skipper was not going to fall for his tricks. 

They were in Waffle House, and Skipper was eating waffles like you should while in Waffle House, and Julien was eating pancakes because he was a heathen who didn't respect the fundamental laws of the world. 

"Why are you smiling? What is making you smile?" Said Julien, snapping Skipper out of his thoughts. Skipper immediately reverted back to his best scowl. Why had he been smiling? All he'd been thinking about was how annoying Julien was.

"None of your damn business, Ringtail," he snapped, and then, realising that perhaps he had spoken a little too harshly, added "these waffles are good,"

"So the waffles are what is making you happy? Or is that not being related to the smiling?" Julian tilted his head to one side, and blinked his stupid amber-ey brown eyes at Skipper. 

"The waffles are whats making me smile, are you happy now, Ringtail?"

"Yes, I am especially happy with the fun spy nickname I have, you know Clover never gave me a fun spy nickname." Julien had strawberry sauce dripping down his chin, and his stupid brown eyes looked like stupid pools of honey in the cheap fluorescent lights of waffle house. Skipper was getting overly sentimental in his old age, if only he'd died at the age of eighteen on the battle field, instead of being a covert operative/ bodyguard at the age of twenty seven. It was ridiculous, here he was thinking some idiot himbo was cute, while said idiot himbo waggled his shoulders every time someone played a new song on the jukebox. 

"Yeah well," Skipper coughed. "I'm not Clover," Smooth Skipper, smooth. Skipper looked down at his fish waffles, which were a crime against humanity according to Marlene, and had a large mouthful. He was not crushing on Ringtail. He barely even liked him. 

"Yeah! Clover would never be letting have such as meal as this! Clover would always be stopping me from doing the fun things I was wanting to do." He stuck what turned out to be an incredibly long tongue, and licked the strawberry sauce off his chin, and if Skipper was drooling it was the waffles. Nothing else. 

Skipper hadn't actually realised that he was allowed to stop Julien from doing things, and made a mental note to veto some of his crazier ideas in future. Not that they weren't fun, just that Skipper did occasionally want to have fun reading the newspaper, or you know, avoid places with thin sharp pointy things. He had only been bodyguarding Julien for two days, and yet lived in fear of the day Julien decided to go to the museum of flu shots, or whatever horrible needle filled place existed in Manhattan.

"I have nothing against impromptu waffles, Ringtail, in fact I rather like them," Better, thought Skipper, that was a nice normal thing to say, something someone would say to another person who they did not have a crush on. 

Julien however was not listening to Skipper's incredible talking-to-people-with-which-I-have-a-completely-platonic-relationship-and-in-fact-do-not-even-like-that-much-so-really-do-not-have-a-crush-on skills, and instead had his eyes fixed on the jukebox. "Skipper, Skipper, how is that big blue boombox working?"

"It's a jukebox, Ringtail, you never seen one before?"

"A juke-box," Julien rolled the word around on his tongue experimentally, and Skipper, despite all his instincts screaming at him not to, stood up.

"Come with me, Ringtail. Imma show you how this baby works," 

Skipper regretted it instantly. First of all Julien got far too excited far too quickly, which really was not good for Skipper's not-crush, and second of all he actually grabbed Skipper's hand while leading him expectantly over to the jukebox. Then there was the whole situation of Julien choosing a song- he wanted Skipper's opinion, and although Skipper wasn't normally ashamed to admit his love of Barry Mannilow, it suddenly seemed like a very big thing for Ringtail to find out that he wasn't one hundred percent horrible old codger who hated music. 

After much deliberation, in which Skipper grunted whenever his opinion was questioned (although slightly louder, more dismissive grunts at the songs he hated, and softer, slightly more encouraging grunts at the songs he liked), a song was selected. "Love Today", by Mika. 

Up to this point, although Skipper was complaining about it in his head, the experience hadn't been too bad. Yeah, ok, Julien was annoying. But he was cute annoying, the sort of annoying Skipper secretly enjoyed, not that he'd ever admit it. What happened next was the sort of cute annoying Skipper could not deal with however. 

New York City was not a friendly place. Cities were not there to be your friend- sure you'd get the odd nice taxi driver, or the odd nice Starbucks employee, but mostly everyone was rude, and wrapped up in their own business, and not bothered about some idiot prancing about waffle house. For some unknown reason- probably every god Kowalski didn't believe in hating Skipper, all the nice, friendly, funny people were in waffle house that day. 

So when Julien began dancing ridiculously to "Love Today", pointing at various people in Waffle House, prancing ridiculously around the room, people did not ignore him, or yell at him like they should have done, but actually began to join in. There was now some sort of ridiculous flash mob going on in Waffle House, to Mika's "Love Today". This was literally the gay-est situation Skipper had ever been in, and had literal sex with other men. 

The song ended. Skipper was sulking in the corner of the diner, Julien was panting, out of breath, leaning against the counter, and several other random members of the public were breathing heavily, scattered around the room away from their tables. This situation was one Skipper had created, and yet when he spent the rest of his life complaining about it he would blame Ringtail. 

************

"We should do something fun," said Julien, dancing out onto the street. Several angry New Yorkers pushed past him, and Skipper guided them both along to a less crowded street.

"Was that incredibly gay display back there not fun enough for you?" said Skipper, sarcastically. 

Julien flinched, "Could you not be saying gay like that?" he asked. 

Skipper frowned. He had thought Julien was gay, or bi or something, just by his ridiculous fashion sense, but obviously he was wrong. Just his luck to be stuck protecting some rich homophobe. "So your one of those," he said, not bothering to hide the content in his voice.

"Yes," said Julien, with the same level of contempt in his voice, "I'm one of those- and you know, I thought you were better than that."

Skipper felt his anger flare up, and tried very hard not to be added to the list of bodyguards who had killed the people they were guarding. "I. Was better than that?" He spluttered indignantly, unable to even form words he was so angry. 

"I want us to go home now!" Julien glared at Skipper. "I'm planning a big important party I want to happen tonight, and you have to be there, but do not be thinking I will talk to you!" His eyes blurred with tears as he turned and marched back up the street. 

Skipper stalked after him, mumbling to himself like a crazy person, hardly paying attention to his surroundings. Stupid idiots being stupid and handsome and homophobic. Even though he would have never admitted it, he may have had some small feelings about Julien, and despite what he would have said to Marlene, he had thought maybe over time he could have had a chance with him. Maybe. Now it could never happen it was easier to admit.

*********

When they got back to the flat, still having exchanged absolutely no words, Julien flounced off to plan this party Skipper had to attend, and Skipped stomped off to tell his boys about how he was justified in his dislike of Ringtail. 

"Kowalski, can I use your deathray on him?" Asked Skipper, without bothering to say hello. Kowalski, who was standing beside a large whiteboard covered in words and lines linking them to other words, waved a hand in a way that meant go ahead.

Skipper had not actually expected Kowalski to agree. 

"Are you sure, you know how you said you only built it to see if you could?"

Kowalski mumbled something under his breath, and wrote a line on the board. He was clearly in the zone. Used to Kowalski's hyper-focusing, Skipper hefted himself up onto the kitchen counter, and began reading the words on the bored over Kowalski's shoulder. 

It became apparent, when none of the words were sciencey gobbledegook that Kowalski was attempting something outside of his usual sphere of experience. Giving him a painful jab to the hip, the sort that invaded the most ticklish spot on most people and made them wish momentarily for death, he slid away from Kowalski's returning slap easily, and asked "What are you doing, Soldier,"

"Nuh-nothing," Kowalski flipped the board around hurridly. "Anyway you called truce on the taze war, so in actual fact, it is I who should be asking you what you are doing." 

"You said I could borrow your death ray- so I thought you might not notice," 

The door on the other side of the room burst open, and Rico slid in on his fuzzy socks, "Taze war?" he said, his words slurring more than normal from excitement. 

"No!" said Kowalski and Skipper at the exact same time, and then when Rico's face fell, Skipper gave Kowalski another jab, before backflipping onto the counter. 

"Neither of you can taze me, that's an order," he yelled. It was a dirty move, pulling rank like that, and they all knew it. 

Rico mumbled something incoherent, and Kowalski poked the board angrily with his pen. Sliding off the counter, Skipper went over to flip the board back over, and instantly was tazed on both sides. Falling to the floor, he looked behind him, to see Private had somehow slipped into the room behind him. 

"I win the taze war!" said Private excitedly, punching the air. Then, because Private, he extended his hand to help to Skipper up, and fucking apologised. Private was so sickeningly sweet it made Skipper gag. And also feel incredibly over protective of Private and all his stupid brony ideas. 

"Congratulations young Private, you won the taze war!" Said Skipper, ignoring Kowalski's mumbling about how unfair it was. Kowalski's favourite hobby was mumbling about how life was unfair, so Skipper ignored him, and flipped the board back over. He still wanted to take a closer look at what Kowalski was up to. 

"This looks," said Skipper, after inspecting the board. "Like Loverboy has found someone to love," He glared up at Kowalski, hating that he had to look up at him, and scowled. "Writing poetry is what we do now, is it men?" 

"Skipper you've spent the last few days running around the city with Julien." Said Kowalski indignantly, hands on his hips. "And don't claim its because you're a good bodyguard, you did it because you like like him."

"What is it with you and that ridiculous phrase!" Skipper had grown up with Kowalski, and was used to his weirdness, but still. "Kowalski, one day I will die and it will be because you are completely incapable of speaking like a normal person!" 

"Would you rather I said you luuuuuurve him?" Said Kowalski, and Rico echoed hime, droning the word love in his ear until Skipper hit him. Gently. Gentlyish. 

"Look Skipper, there's nothing wrong with having a crush on Julien," said Private, in his stupid I'm-about-to-recite-a-lesson-I-learnt-off-a-bad-kids-show-at-you voice, "as Princess Self-Respectra says-"

"Private, I don't give a flying fuck about what Princess Sickeningly Sweet Stupid name says, Ok? Nothing will ever happen between me and Ringtail, you want to know why?" Skipper gave each of his men a stern glare, "you want to know why I'm here right now instead of gallivanting about New York with the man I supposedly 'like like'? Because Ringtail is a massive homophobe who blew up at me even using the word gay." 

"Are you sure-" began Kowalski, as if he was about to say something logical and clever. Then he saw the look on Skipper's face, and hugged him instead. As always, Rico and Private moved in as well, and they had a solid squad hug for at least a minute, until Skipper announced that that was enough namby pamby nonsense and it was time to tease Kowalski about his crush.

Kowalski had had a crush on the same poor girl for several years now, and unlike Skipper who denied every feeling he might have for a person, Kowalski was very obvious about his. Her name was Doris, and she was a cute lifeguard who worked at the leisure centre downtown. Kowalski thought Doris was the greatest human to ever walk the planet. Doris thought Kowalski was a sweet, but socially incompetent man, who needed to get over her. Although Privately Skipper agreed with Doris, and publicly Skipper agreed with Doris, he did support Kowalski no matter what, and would always try and wing-man for him. 

"Actually," said Kowalski, as Rico did his hilarious impression of how Kowalski acted infront of Doris, "it isn't Doris." 

There was a moment of silence where everyone looked at each other and blinked, before Skipper ordered Private fetch some champagne. Private then pointed out they didn't just have champagne lying around, and Skipper told him to run down to Marlene. 

Then he and Rico began interrogating Kowalski. 

The problem with Kowalski was that he had known Skipper so long he was used to all his interrogation tactics, and was immune to basically every technique in the book. Kowalski had bought Skipper the book "Interrogation Techniques and Effective Interviewing" for his sixteenth birthday. Not that Skipper was using them, Kowalski was his brother in every way but blood, it was just annoying that Kowalski wouldn't crack and spill about who he liked when Skipper was very kindly not interrogating him as hard as he could. 

"Please please please please please..." gabbled Rico in Kowalski's ear, while Skipper looked for context clues on the whiteboard. So far all he could tell was that it was a man who was tall. That was highly suspicious, Kowalski was the tallest person Skipper knew, the idea of someone taller than him was frankly ridiculous. And horrible to think of. 

"Do I know him?" asked Skipper, innocently. 

Kowalski rolled his eyes. "Skipper I know you're trying to get me to confirm whether or not it's a him. I'm not stupid." 

Skipper let out a stream of curses that probably would have continued longer if Private had not entered the room with Marlene and a bottle of champagne. 

"Champagne boys!" called Marlene, rooting through the kitchen draws for a bottle opener, "I heard our Kowalski has a crush on someone who isn't Doris!"

"Is it Parker, Kowalski?" asked Private, getting out glasses. They didn't own any champagne glasses, so wine glasses would have to do. Private was likely the only one who knew the difference. 

Kowalsski spluttered indignantly, and mumbled something incoherent. Skipper turned, and stared at Private. How the fuck did he know that? 

"How on earth do you know that?" he asked, leaning over towards Private suspiciously. Had Kowalski told Private something before he'd told Skipper. No! Kowalski would never do that- but Skipper had been spending a lot of time with Julien lately....

"Kowalski been stalking him for weeks since he broke up with Doris. Thought it was just another Doris thing, but..." 

Skipper sighed with relief. So Kowalski had not replaced him with Private, what a stupid thing to think. And frankly, so what if he had, they were a team! No one actively disliked him. Skipper really needed to get over his issues; needles first, insecurity about being needed second. 

"So Kowalski and Doris have the same type in men, who'd've known?" Said Skipper, in his most mocking voice. Kowalski blushed scarlet, and Skipper turned to Marlene. "Gimme some of that sweet sweet champagne, sister, we're celebrating Kowalski finally coming to his senses."


	4. four

Skipper probably shouldn't have drunk as much champagne as he did. Especially considering he had to bodyguard later that night, but he'd burn that bridge when he came to it. Now it was time to lie on the sofa, bully Kowalski, and tell Marlene how wrong she had been about Julien. Three of his favourite things. 

"Skipper, doesn't the party start at uhh, now ish?" asked Private innocently, still sipping his first glass of champagne. Private was not American, and therefore, despite Skipper being pretty sure that was not how the law worked, was allowed to drink before the age of twenty one. 

"Nope," said Skipper, even though Private was right. "Anyway, the old Ringtail can wait a bit longer, I'm busy."

"I really think," said Private, looking nervously at the door, behind which the sounds of music and people arriving could be heard, "that you ought to go now," 

Skipper really did not want to. Maybe Julien would tell a bunch of his friends that Skipper was gay, and they'd all laugh at him. Maybe Julien would try and point out attractive girls and make Skipper make rude objectifying comments. Maybe Julien would ask rude invasive questions about Skipper's sex life (or lack thereof, as Marlene would point out)!! 

"I can't go!" said Skipper dramatically, flinging his head back on the arm of the sofa. He was a little bit tipsy which was making him softer than normal, but he really could not face going to the party.

"Me?" said Rico, pointing to himself. Skipper stared at him, making sense of the request in his mind, before shaking his head.

"Negatory, soldier! You can't go, if Ringtail doesn't like people like me, who knows how he'll feel about you!" Skipper could not let something bad happen to one of his men because he was too cowardly to face his fears. He would go to that party and kiss a guy in Julien's face, and if Julien tried to hit him... well he could try. 

"Please, Skip?" asked Rico again, and Skipper felt his resolve weakening. Who was he to deny Rico the pleasure of enjoying something simply because it would bring him, Skipper nothing but pain. 

"Ok, on two conditions," said Skipper, standing up to pace. Giving orders felt far more official when one was pacing. "One, he says anything transphobic to you, you leave and I take your place. Two, no blowing anything up!" He gave Rico an extra hard glare as he finished this last point, and Rico shuffled his feet awkwardly. 

"Thank you!" slurred Rico, though in Rico's garbled dialect it sounded more like "fang ooooh!" 

Still. As Kowaski would probably say, it was nice to be thanked. 

"So Skipper," said Marlene, after Rico had left, "what actually happened between you and Julien, I thought you two were like, totally bonding!" 

"Me and Ringtail? Bonding? As if I'd bond with that- he's homophobic!" 

"Is he?" said Marlene thoughtfully, "He totally gave me some kind of gay vibe,"

"Yeah, well, your vibes were wrong! It happens sometimes!" 

Marlene hummed thoughtfully, in a way Skipper did not like. She was probably about to make a terrible suggestion, like talking to Julien about it. 

"Have you considered talking to him about it? You know, talking about things with people resolves way more conflict than complaining to your friends about the hot guy who supposedly doesn't like you," 

"Ok. So he's hot, and cute, and funny, and has a really nice ass. He's also homophobic, Marlene! Homophobic!" 

Marlene shook her head, "Yeah well, maybe its internalised, I'm getting vibes, strong vibes." 

"Marlene, if he was gay then maybe, maybe, you would have a point. But he's not, and I just don't think it's going to happen. Maybe I should get back on grindr?" 

Marlene made a face, and laughed, and Skipper poured himself some more champagne. It had been a long day, and despite the loudness from the party next door, he kept poking himself to stay awake. 

"Marlene?" he said sleepily, and Marlene looked up.

"Yeah," 

"estoy agradecido por ti" 

Marlene smiled, and said it back. They didn't speak Spanish very often, English was a perfectly good language, and they both, for entirely different reasons, had a complicated relationship with their family, with their past. When they did it was special though, speaking a language others didn't always was, words that were only for them. 

Marlene left soon after that, and Skipper was just about to get up and go to bed, when he passed out on the sofa.

The party outside was loud, but Skipper didn't notice. He slept through Kowalski's hilarious comment to Marlene about how Skipper was so short he didn't have to worry about the repercussions his body might face from sleeping on the sofa, and Private's impression of a New York accent. 

He did not however, sleep through the sound of his phone ringing. 

Skipper at first did not realise what the sound was. The only calls he received were from HQ, and he had set their ringtone to Live and Let Die so he would never miss a call from them. Everyone else just texted him, except boyfriends, but he didn't have one of those at the moment. And his men when they went on missions, but that was through walkie talkies, entirely different. 

Realising that if he didn't pick up soon he'd loose his chance altogether, Skipper pressed accept on the unknown number.

"Sorry," said the unmistakable voice of Rico, and Skipper was just about to ask "for what?2 when he heard Julien's voice in the background.

"No! Stop calling the bossity one! He'll be all judgey and bossity about how we ended up in gaol!"

"You're in gaol! Rico, speak to me, man!"

Rico let out a garbled stream of consciousness, which translated from Rico essentially meant: me and Julien decided to set fireworks off his balcony at the party, except then we saw how fun it was and ran around the city setting off fireworks, and now we've been arrested with drunk and disorderly and mayhem, please help.

Skipper was going to kill Julien. He didn't care what that stupid handsome ponytailed freak got up to in his spare time, but to bring Rico down with him was disgraceful. Also Rico was trans! And had anger issues! And sucked his thumb when he slept! There was no way he could last in prison, and if HQ didn't feel like pulling the strings for them, Skipper would have to cash in all their savings hiring him a lawyer. Or get Kowalski to go to law school.

"What do you expect me to do at..." Skipper checked the time on his phone, "THREE FIFTEEN IN THE MORNING?"

There was an embarrassed chuckle on the other end of the line.

"You want me to drive down there, don't you?"

There was silence, then "Oh yes, he can't see us nodding, can he?" from Julien.

Skipper laced up his boots and left a note for Kowalski. It was going to be a long night.

******************

"You're lucky I was so worried about Rico!" shouted Skipper, the second he and Julien got into the cab. Rico had fallen asleep on the way out of the police station, and so Skipper had had to carry him in a firemans lift to the cab.

"Yeah well actually, Mr. Bossity-Pants, I'm lucky your stupid HQ called and told those nasty men to let us go!"

"Because I called them!" exploded Skipper, almost tearing out a chunk of his hair in rage.

The cab driver quietly asked where they wanted to go. Skipper told him their address, and turned back to Julien.

"You know, those men were just doing their jobs! From what I heard you were setting off illegal fireworks around the city!"

"Well sometimes the law is wrong! Not that I'd expect you to understand!" Julien looked as if he was going to start crying again, and Skipper's gut twinged. Something was wrong here.

"Ringtail, are you ok?" He asked, regretting it instantly. Now he had to hear Julien talk about some stupid spoilt rich kid thing.

"I am fine!" said Julien, wiping his eyes furiously. "It is just that I am upset about my party being ruined. That is all."

Skipper held back his scathing remark. He could tell Ringtail was hiding more than that, but he was pretty sure now was not the time for sharing.

"I'll pay you back for the cab," mumbled Julien, as they headed inside, Rico asleep on Skipper's shoulder.

"Don't worry about it," Skipper found himself saying, even though he had been cursing Julien all the way to the station about the cab fair in his head. "I shouldn't have sent Rico in my place."

"No, it was great to see Rico, we had a great time setting off fireworks before we got arrested! I have never actually been arrested before, it was a fun new experience. And then it was horrible, zero stars am not recommending!" 

Skipper laughed. "Yeah well, when I was younger I wanted to be a police officer. Then I saw all the corruption, so the army it was. 'Course the army wasn't all that less corrupt, and then I fell in with, well, lets just say where I am now." 

"You are the bossity one," Julien laughed, "So you would be a great police officer! Although I am glad you work for the these people now, so you can be my bodyguard." He suddenly frowned, and moved away from Skipper, "Wait no I am not! You are my enemy!"

Skipper rolled his eyes. Of course the stupid idiot had to ruin everything by being homophobic. When Skipper got back he would re download grindr, and finally stop caring about this idiot. Not that he really cared in the first place. 

"Well you, Ringtail, are my enemy! I don't consort with your type!" Skipper wasn't entirely sure what consort meant, but Kowalski had said it before, and he was willing to bet anything that Julien knew even less about what it meant than he did. 

"Well I don't, consort, with people like you either!" Julien had absolutely no idea what consort meant, and Skipper could tell. "I would never, consort, with anyone like you! In fact, if anyone is doing the consorting here it is you! Who won't stop consorting me!"

Skipper didn't say anything. He needed to get into his apartment, order Kowalski to soundproof his walls, and the scream something along the lines of "why are all the cute guys straight!" 

**********

"Maurice," called Julien through the door of his apartment. "Maurice I am needing your expert letting me in skills, now!" 

There was the sound of grumbling and shuffling from inside, which Julien took to be the sound of Maurice coming to let him in. The whole carrying keys everywhere, and not leaving them all over town, and then remembering which ones opened the door and what way up to hold them was a skill Julien doubted he would ever master. That was why he had servants. That was why he was king, or had been king. Secretly, Julien still considered himself king, even if legally he was no longer allowed to do the whole king thing. 

The door opened, and Maurice's grumpy dishevelled face greeted him. "Your majesty," he said, with no enthusiasm, "everyone left a few hours ago, party is over."

"I do not care about the party, Maurice, I could not care less about the party! Why are you always going on about the party?" 

Maurice shrugged. "Honestly, I thought you were going to spend the night with Rico," he stepped out the way so Julien could come inside, "you seem down, your majesty, would you like some hot chocolate?" 

"No Maurice, hot chocolate cannot soothe the aching in my soul!" Julien sighed dramatically, and flopped onto his sofa. "I thought that he was going to be different, but no, he is exactly the same!" 

"Would you like to, uhh, talk about it, your majesty?" Maurice had switched to Malagasy, like he was expecting Julien to bare his soul to him. Well Julien would not. 

"I would not," he said, in English, "I would instead be liking my hot chocolate now? I can to have it?" 

"Yeah sure," Maurice plodded over to the stove, and began heating a pan of milk. "Peppermint?" he called, and Julien made a noncommittal sound that meant yes. Maurice poured a little peppermint essence into the milk, then a little vanilla just because, before stirring in the chocolate powder. Since coming to America, Maurice had made it his goal to make hot chocolate as much as possible to warm them all up in the colder climate. Starbucks existed, but who wanted their watery shmuck. 

"Julien, did Rico say something, because you do know that he's-"

"No Maurice!" Julien pulled an incredibly intricately embroidered cushion over his tummy and held it for comfort, "Rico actually did not say much at all, like he just mumbled a lot. Also exploded a bunch of things... But that is not the point! Maurice stop just saying things to distract me!"

"Ok," said Maurice slowly, "So what is the matter?" 

"It is Skipper, he is annoying me greatly." 

"He is?"

"Yes. He's so handsome, and sexy, and I thought he was fun and considerate and good before I found out he was homophobic! And now its all, well Skipper you are such a great bodyguard, but I am terrified that it is you who you should be guarding my body against!"

"Hmm," Maurice poured the hot chocolate into two mugs, and sat down beside Julien. "Are you sure he's homophobic? I mean, his friend Rico is trans and not many people who are homophobic are trans accepting?"

"They are entirely different things, Maurice!" said Julien, taking a long sip of his hot chocolate. "There are loads of places that are trans accepting but not gay accepting, so stop leaping about to conclusions."

Maurice gave a long suffering sigh of someone who has been suffering for a long time. "I'm just saying I don't think Skipper is the type. I read his file, he supposedly believes in fairness for all and righteousness and all that captain America stuff- maybe you miss understood?"

"Maurice, Maurice, Maurice. I am a very wise king who never misunderstands anything. Also I have a fantastic ass."

"So you keep telling me, your majesty,"

"Shut up Maurice! Anyway, I know what I heard so just, shut up ok?" 

Maurice shut up. 

Julien finished his hot chocolate, and glared at his mug despondently. "I really thought that he was different, Maurice." 

"I know," said Maurice, in a voice that was vaguely comforting. "I know."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in the middle of mocks at the moment so basically im always bored and tired. not as keen on this chapter, but you know. it exits. i havent given up on this fic!!! 
> 
> anyway thank yall for your comments, they make my day they really do. everytime i get an email from ao3 saying "you got a comment" or "you got kudos" i do what is essentially an impression of a dying squid out of joy


	5. five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok. so. i know its been a while, but in my defence, normally i update fanfiction a lot slower so this is not to bad.   
> anyway, i hope you like this chapter and think it is worth the wait, and doesn't feel to rushed or drawn out or anything.

Julien had planned on spending the next day exploring more of New York, or maybe trying to find a karaoke bar, but leaving the house meant spending time with Skipper, and spending time with Skipper was too scary and horrible at that precise moment. At some point Julien would have to request a new bodyguard, but he didn't really feel like doing anything at that particular point in time.

"Hey, Ringtail, open up!" yelled a voice that belonged to the one person Julien did not want to see that morning,

"Maurice, please deal with him," he yelled, from the comfort of his bed.

"Yes, your majesty," came the answer, and Julien snuggled back into his bed. 

This snuggling was unfortunately short lived, as a second later Skipper stormed into his room, followed by Maurice, who mouthed "sorry" at him and left. Traitor 

"Why," said Julien, doing his best to appear regal, despite being wrapped in a cocoon of blankets and having drooled all over his chin, "are you in my room?" 

Skipper's fists were clenched, but his voice sounded calm, or at least level, when he spoke. "I can't resign as your bodyguard. I'm not allowed. So we need to come to a sort of truce."

Julien wriggled into a sitting position, and tied his hair up off his face. Looking more like a king, and less like some sort of trash gremlin, he looked Skipper directly in the eye. "What are you suggesting, that we start consorting better with each other?" Julien still wasn't sure what that word meant, but it felt good in his mouth. Using fancy words was exactly the sort of superiority he needed to show. 

"I... yeah well sort of. Look I just think that before the whole gay thing-" he stopped suddenly, his eyes going to the large flag Julien had on the wall behind him. "Is that the pan flag?" he asked. 

"Is that the- yes. It is the flag of me, because I am pansexual, what is it that you are not understanding?"

"You're.. pansexual." Skipper looked confused, "I thought- hold up!" he pulled out his phone and began texting someone. 

It was too cold and too early for this, and Julien could not think of a single reason why he, the king, should have to be dealing with this right then. He was about to yell for Maurice, when Skipper spoke again. 

"I thought you were a homophobe, Ringtail," He looked at the flag again, and shook his head, "but-"

Julien shook his head. "Why the fuck would you think that, you silly man, what part of this," he pulled a hand out of his blanket cocoon to gesture to his body, "looks straight to you,"

Then he took a moment to unpack everything in his mind. Skipper had thought he was homophobic, and been upset about it. Now he knew he wasn't. That meant...

"I'm gay," said Skipper bluntly. 

Out of all the things Julien had been expecting from the morning, this was not one of them. "But you have shoulder muscles," he said eventually, after a few beats of silence. 

Skipper squinted at him, "Is that... a problem?" 

"I just-" Julien hesitated, unsure of how to phrase what he wanted to say. "you have very short hair, and yeah you are styling it with some gel but its military,"

"I joined the military!" 

"Exactly!" Julien threw his arms in the air, an over dramatic motion that caused his blanket cocoon to slip down exposing his nipples to the freezing cold New York air, but such was the price one had to pay for being over dramatic. "You are just, not giving me the vibe! Plus you used gay as a derogatory term after that afternoon in the waffle house!" 

"I- what?" Skipper frowned at him, and Julien took the opportunity to wrap himself back up in blankets. Stupid New York was too stupid cold- and it was only September. 

"You said that my dancing was gay! Like oooh" He made an over exaggerated disgusted face "that is so gay!" 

"You were playing Mika! The gay king- look I didn't mean it in a mean way," 

Julien huffed, but in a way he considered good natured. "Well you let me think you were homophobic! For many many days!" 

"It was one day, Ringtail! And I thought you were homophobic!" 

"Ok, well I am still angry with you!" But he wasn't. Julien felt relieved, as though the world was back to how it should be. "Give me a minute to get dressed- we'll go out somewhere!" 

Skipper smiled, and left. Now he knew Skipper wasn't a complete dickhead, Julien unashamedly watched him as he left. Soldier boys had many many assets. 

Now, there was the problem of finding an outfit that was incredibly cute- but kept him warm. 

****************

Skipper walked calmly and confidently back to his apartment so none of the lemurs saw his internal struggle. By the time he got to his apartment however, he was full on running. "Kowalski," he yelled, as he ran into the bathroom and began poking his hair "Actually no, Private! I need options,"

All three boys appeared out of seemingly nowhere, Kowalski looking slightly hurt, possibly because Skipper had asked Private for options. There was much clamouring about what was going on, and then much excitement about Julien being pansexual, and then much eyebrow wiggling from Kowalski because he was the worst. 

"Skipper, I think you're over thinking it?" said Private. Poor naive innocent Private. 

"Private of course I'm overthinking it! How else am I supposed to think?" 

This was of course an excellent point, even if Private just shook his head in a disappointed manor. Private really needed to learn to respect his elders. 

"So it's a date?" said Kowalski, the question Skipper had been skirting around. "I mean now you know you're, you know, compatible, and you find each other, to put it plainly, hot." 

"Maybe? That's what I need Private for- he understands emotions!"

"Well, Skipper I'm honoured you came to me but-"

"I was going to ask Marlene seeing as she's basically a therapist, but she wouldn't reply to my texts! So next best thing," 

Private huffed, "Well the next best thing thinks you should approach it like a date. Act like you're on a date. Be really open about your feelings, and it will all work out in the end!"

Skipper thought that was the worst idea he had ever heard. "Private," he said "that is the worst idea I've ever heard," Who did Private think he was, some kind of pansy who had crushes and then told said crushes how they felt about them? No, Skipper was an emotional stunted military man who never revealed his feelings to anyone, except his boys who weren't anyone. 

"I will admit Skipper," said Kowalski, doing that thing where he twiddled his index fingers together, "Private is right- maybe talking to Julien about whether or not this is a date would help." 

Skipper glared at both of them, and turned to Rico who had said nothing so far and was mindlessly playing with an eyebrow piercing. "Rico, any thoughts? You spent a lot of time with Julien the other night, did he say anything about me?"

"Uh uh," Said Rico, and Skipper looked away before Rico pulled the safety pin piercing out of his eyebrow. Just thinking about it made him want to throw up, but seeing it might actually end in a puddle of vomit on the floor. 

"Well thank you Rico for being the most helpful and telling me what to do," said Skipper, his voice dripping with sarcasm. Unfortunately he didn't have time to run downstairs and bang on Marlene's door, he barely had time to grab a jumper to pull on top his tank top before walking slowly out to meet Julien. He was not going to look eager or desperate. 

Julien was waiting outside for him, and it took a few seconds before Skipper even registered he had said hello. The bastard was looking so hot it was unfair- and why had he chosen today to do his eyeliner like that. His amber eyes looked huge on his face, and his hair was down from its ponytail, just brushing past his shoulders. Skipper could have had a gay crisis about that on its own, but what killed him was Julien's crop top. 

Skipper had seen Julien in a crop top before. Yes, it was a beautiful sight, and yes it was upsetting that he wore jumpers and coats when they went outside, but it was nothing compared to this. "Is that... real," he said, gesturing to the strip of exposed skin. 

Julien looked confused for a second, as he glanced down, and Skipper wondered for a second if he needed to clarify that he was not referring to Julien's dick. Before this wondering could turn into sheer terror however, Julien said "Oh you mean my piercing?". 

Skipper nodded, "It's a nice feature, Ringtail, that I've never seen on you before," 

"Yes well the metal was cooling up against my skin which was bad- but then sometimes you have to suffer to be sexy." He had a jumper slung over his shoulder, which was likely for being put on later when they were both outside, but there was at least ten minutes of going downstairs before that. 

"Where do you want to go then Ringtail? Waffle House again, or the cinema..."

Julien frowned, "Well I was wanting to go to the water park- but it really is too cold here!" 

"Want to take the subway somewhere? Or maybe watch the new John Wick film- I've heard there's a lot of explosions!" 

Julien nodded enthusiastically, and Skipper felt himself relax. "We can get all the movie food as well? Like popcorn and cake ad maltesers!" 

***************

Julien bought three tickets to the new John Wick film, and Skipper spent the entire queue for snacks trying to figure out why, until Julien bought all the snacks and Skipper realised the extra seat was for the snacks. 

This then caused the dilemma of who would be sitting where. 

Skipper liked snacks- who the fuck didn't like snacks- but he also did not want to sit next to a pile of snacks when a legit snack (who maybe possibly liked him) was right there. Skipper immediately hated himself for referring to Julien as a legit snack, but as they were told to head to screen five he kept thinking about whether or not it was a date.

There were no assigned seats like in the theatre- so Julien spent far longer than necessary dictating where the best place to sit was. Close to the screen was apparently liable to create headaches, but had a better view; further back had a more obstructed view, but there were less people to yell about loud snacking. 

Not that he'd ever admit it, but being short meant Skipper tended to gravitate towards seats closer to the front. He never mentioned his height, or lack thereof, not because he hoped people wouldn't notice, but because he didn't want people to think it bothered him. Also Julien was a freaking giraffe who would most likely make fun of him. 

"We could sit near the back, better for- you know," said Julien, raising his eyebrows. Skipper did not know. In fact he had absolutely no idea, but like hell was he going to admit that. 

"I know," he said, gruffly.

Julien looked at him, and the corner of his mouth quirked up "Skipper I was not imagining you to be this sort of guy," 

Skipper was very confused, but there was absolutely no way that Julien was going to know that. "I'm not a sort of guy, Ringtail. I'm not sort of anything actually- I'm very fully me and that's-" He stopped talking, Julien seemed confused by his unnecessary anxious babble, but just smiled. 

"Shall we?" he said, holding out his hand. 

Skipper found out that Julien's hands were very soft, no callouses or dry skin, and felt as though they had never done a days work in their life. They were also incredible cold. "Your hands are like icicles! It's only September, do I need to buy you some gloves?" 

Julien laughed, and squeezed his hand gently. "It's ok. You have warm hands." 

In the end seating wasn't an issue seeing as they didn't stop holding hands as they sat down. This made sitting down and settling the snacks on their own seat far more difficult than necessary, but such was the price one had to pay. 

Skipper was beginning to suspect that this might be a date. 

John Wick was one of Skipper's favourite film franchises, yet somehow he found it harder to focus on the explosions and shirtless guys dodging bullets while his hand was in Julien's. Especially when Julien seemed incredibly invested in the film, squeezing his hand when it looked like someone was going to die, tapping against Skipper's knuckles with his fingertips in the long talky bits no one cared about, looking at Skipper whenever something funny happened to make sure that Skipper had seen it as well and thought it was funny. 

This was only a problem in the sense that Skipper would probably never watch a movie again so long as Julien was there to hold his hand and be far more captivating than the movie itself. Not that Skipper would ever tell Julien this, and if he did he would certainly not be using the word captivating, it would go straight to the bastard's head and then where would they be. 

Skipper was jolted out of his thoughts by Julien nudging him with his should, and dangling a packet of m&ms in front of his face. "I am needing your help," he whispered. His whisper was incredibly loud and disruptive, but it was the thought that counted. 

"Why," hissed back Skipper at a good whisper volume, "do you need my help?" 

"I can't open this packet one handed," 

Skipper started to unlace his fingers from Julien's, but the idiot held on tight. "No, just be my other hand," he said, not even bothering to try and whisper. It was incredibly rude, but Skipper was too busy dealing with the fact that Julien had chosen holding his hand over opening a packet of m&ms to dwell on that. 

He held out his spare hand, and tugged on one side of the packet, while Julien tugged on the other. It opened with a noise that was not quite as loud as Julien's whispering, although the people around them still seemed pretty upset. 

They didn't say much else to each other throughout the film, but when it was over they were still holding hands, Julien's long cool fingers against Skipper's short ones, the pad of Julien's thumb tracing circles against Skipper's hand. 

Normally when he came out of a John Wick film, Skipper would be explaining to Kowalski how they would be doing the stunts later, but Kowalski was not there and Skipper had not being paying enough attention to notice any cool stunts. Julien was still holding his hand, and had still not said anything about whether or not this was a date. The only thing Skipper wanted to do was go somewhere warm so Julien would take off that stupid jumper. It was very cute and fluffy, but Skipper had seen enough cute and fluffy and really just wanted to oggle the midriff and bellybutton piercings of the stupidly handsome man he was holding the hand of. 

"I'm hungry- where here is good to eat that I have not been to?" 

Julien had just eaten three quarters of all the snacks in the cinema and already wanted more food. Skipper was suitably impressed.

He pulled out his phone, and google mapped restaurants nearby, and was delighted when he realised they were near a Joe and The Juice. Joe and The Juice was god's gift to man. 

"Have you been to Joe and The Juice yet- Joe and The Juice is god's gift to man," said Skipper, still looking at google maps even though he had actually been to this Joe and The Juice a bunch of times, and really barely needed to glance at the map to remember the way. 

"No. But I am really fond of juice- especially yellow ones!" 

Skipper put his phone back in his pocket, and looked at Julien, who's hige amber eyes were sparkling at him. "Before we go I have something to ask you-" he hesitated, and hated himself for it. He had been shot at for fucks sake, this was not that scary. 

"Yeeees," said Julien drawing out the word for as long as possible. 

"Is this a date?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> disclaimer: i have literally never seen a john wick film in my life. i just asked my friend what action movies existed that werent mission impossible or james bond, and she said john wick. i think it has keanu reeves in, not sure. anyway, i just described generic action film stuff so, hopefully i didnt fuck up to much
> 
> disclaimer two: i have no idea if they have joe and the juice in manhatten (on manhatten?). i just really like it, and have been craving fruit juice all week so
> 
> anyway, until next time! thanks so much for commenting and all that shit, it means the world to me it really does. love you all!! <3 <3


	6. cinq (oooh get me with the french)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this chapter is a little bit shorter than normal. thats because i have a lot to do and im very tired. but hey! the date happens and we set up for the actual stuff that im planning on writing in this fic

Julien was, all things considered having a pretty good day. His last boyfriend had been a secret due to Julien's status and the various issues that came with that, and therefore had never taken a hot guy on a date before. He'd taken plenty of hot girls on dates before- obviously, he was irresistible- but his last boyfriend had broken up with him for some other guy he could hold hands with in public, and mostly they had just spent time in Julien's private water park and had sex. 

Skipper was different. 

For a start he was so much hotter than all of Julien's exes, and seemed as though he could probably kill Julien with his bare hands, and get away with it. He was also adorably grumpy, and seemed to genuinely be a good person; which were qualities that Julien was very into. His ex girlfriend Sonya had had two out of three of those qualities- she had nearly killed Julien on many occasions, and at one point Julien had thought they might get married. 

His date with Skipper had in fact been going incredibly well, until Skipper had asked whether or not it was a date. 

Did Skipper not think it was a date? They were holding hands for fucks sake! He had absolutely no idea how to approach this new situation, especially considering that if he gave the wrong answer Skipper might never want to see him again and that, would be a tragedy. 

"Yes," he said, after half a beat of silence, "we are literally holding hands right now- is this how you are acting around friends?"

There was a terrible millisecond where Skipper's face was completely unreadable, and Julien nearly had a regret. Then the corner of Skipper's mouth twitched and he squeezed Julien's hand, and Julien was saved from the possibility of any kind of regret. 

"Good," said Skipper quietly, and continued leading him off to wherever the food was. 

At first Julien was not particularly impressed with Joe and the Juice. It was not very restaurant-ey, and although Julien was incredibly fond of fruit, he was not sure he wanted to eat a meal that consisted of juice and nothing else. Unless Joe was supposed to be eaten? Maybe, America was a strange place. 

However, after looking at all the fun and exciting names the different juices had, and realising that sandwiches were also sold there, Julien decided to hold off on complaining about Joe and The Juice until he had actually tried the food. 

This turned out to be a wise move. 

Julien had to let go of Skipper's hand so he could hold his sandwich in one hand and his juice in the other. If his kingliness actually gave him any power he would order that Joe and The Juice's be put everywhere- in the way McDonald's are sprinkled over America. 

Skipper was leaning back in his chair drinking an extra chilly drink called "Herb Tonic" that did not smell particularly herby. It was unnaturally orange, and smelt spicy, and was also cold which seemed like madness in the cool September air. He was also smiling, which was nice. He looked pretty when he smiled, softer. 

"Are you not cold?" Julien asked, "drinking such a frosty cold drink?" 

Skipper shrugged, "Its not that cold- especially if you're not a coward,"

"Are you-" Julien took a deep breath of mock disgust, "suggesting that I, the most handsome man you know, am a coward?" 

"Your handsomeness," said Skipper, leaning forward and letting the front two legs of his chair hit the floor, "has no reflection on how much of a coward you are," 

Julien took another slurp of his drink, storing the piece of information that was Skipper not denying how handsome he was in the back of his mind, and looked Skipper straight in the eye, "If you're not a coward, you would be removing your top now." 

In certain lights it might have looked like Skipper was blushing, but it was hard to be certain. 

"Why-" began Skipper, "would I take off my shirt?" 

"No, no no no," Julien said, although honestly Skipper taking off his shirt would not be unwelcome, "Your overtop- jumper! Yeah! You would take off your jumper if you were not a coward!" 

Skipper looked at him in a way that made Julien feel as though he had just been pushed down a waterslide, and raised an eyebrow. "Is this just an elaborate ploy to get me to give you an extra sweater to wear?" 

Julien hadn't thought of that, "Absolutely! I demand that you give me the sweater now!"

Skipper shrugged, and then pulled off the jumper he was wearing, before unceremoniously dropping it on Julien's head. Julien wriggled into it, it smelt nice, although he couldn't quite place the scent; it was probably pure unbridled masculinity. Or war or something. 

Skipper was looking at him, smiling. Julien grinned back, appreciating the arm muscles that were now on full display. Other people in the Joe and The Juice also seemed to be looking at them, which was fair enough- a guy in a tank top was unusual in September, and a guy with guns like that was something to be cherished. 

"If you were taller," said Julien, snuggling into the jumper, "this would fit me better," 

Skipper scowled at him, and made some stupid comment about Julien being a lanky little bitch, but Julien didn't care. He had a warm jumper and a nice juice and a cute boy to talk to. 

*******************

"Maurice, have I told you about how cute he is?" said Julien, lying sprawled across the sofa. Skipper had had a mission to go on, so now Julien was gushing to everyone who would listen. "Because he is so so cute! And he smiled at me! A whole bunch of times!"

"Wow you majesty," said Maurice, in a monotone voice. "I'm so glad you felt the need to tell me this fifty billion times."

"So am I, Maurice," said Julien, leaping up and bouncing over to the other sofa. "Will you make me some cereal?" 

Maurice rolled his eyes, but made the cereal. He also made himself some cereal and flopped down next to Julien, who was prodding the remote control violently trying to get it to work. 

"You want some help, your majesty?" he asked innocently, and Julien scowled at him, before handing over the remote. Maurice calmly pressed the button that turned on the telly, and then calmly changed the channel so they could watch reruns of bake off. 

"You know Maurice, I think I would be an excellent cook!" said Julien, watching Tamal inject his eclairs. "I should learn," he said, leaping off the sofa and spilling cheerios all over the floor. 

"Now?" asked Maurice, who was quite enjoying his own cheerios, and did not want to deal with the disaster that would be Julien cooking. "You want to learn to cook, now?"

"Yes!" said Julien, going through the cupboards in the kitchen that adjoined the sitting room, "Maurice what can I cook when all we have is many many chocolate bars and also fruit?"

"How about chocolate coated fruit, your majesty?" said Maurice, who still did not want to leave the sofa, or stop watching bake off. He really liked that season, with Nadiya and Tamal, and really did not want to go out and buy ingredients that would later be scattered all over the floor. 

"Good idea!" There was then a lot of clanging and bashing, followed by an unnecessary amount of swearing in several languages. 

Maurice turned the volume on the telly up. 

Several hours later, after a lot more crashing and cursing, Julien presented Maurice, who had been attempting to nap, a sticky chocolatey mess, which, after some mouth to mess investigation, turned out to be chocolate covered pineapple. The chocolate was mostly a burnt mess rather than a silky smooth coating, and the pineapple was still wet so the chocolate sort of slipped off. 

Still, Maurice had never seen Julien actually cook anything before, and didn't want to put his friend off ever cooking again. 

"It's pretty good, your majesty," he said, choking down a piece. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. 

"Really!" said Julien, delightedly. "Excellent, I was going to feed them to Mort if they went badly, but I'll leave them here for you!" He dashed off, presumably to make more mess somewhere else in the apartment. Maurice decided to leave the plate of chocolate pineapple for Mort. He was a growing boy, he needed his food.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okie dokie so things are going pretty well for our dumbass sons. 
> 
> anyway i will finish this fic but i have gcse stuff and sixth form interveiw stuff to do so updates will be getting even slower, so thanks for being patient and sticking with me. comments and kudos keep me alive, so thank you so much for those!


	7. (Len Goodman voice) Seven!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Date 2: Electric Boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So its been awhile. I actually have many excuses, but I'll save those for the end notes, here we will have a quick summery of the events leading up to this point in case you forgot.  
> 1\. Skipper became Julien's bodyguard and they chilled in new york having a great time  
> 2\. they are idiots who miscommunication and both thought the other was homophobic  
> 3\. Skipper saw the pan pride flag above Julien's bed and so they went on a date. yeah I'll admit that was not my best work, a little rushed, but whatever.  
> 4\. This chapter we have now! 
> 
> Ok enjoy the up/date/ (get it?? because they go on a date??)

First dates are easy. Or, with the first date behind him, Skipper was finding it hard to remember what had been so hard about initiating it in the first place. Second dates however- well Skipper was sure that those had always been far harder than first dates. 

Second dates existed in the limbo of "what exactly is this" and "am I being too desperate", and "oh no what if I'm the only person who was into this". Skipper was fairly sure Julien had enjoyed the date- a bunch of flowers had been left outside the apartment door addressed to Skipper from Julien, so unless flowers meant "that was a terrible date and I never want to see you again" in Madagascar (something that Kowalski had seen him google, and was still laughing about), Julien still liked him. 

But that meant that Skipper had to organise another date and not completely ruin it. It meant having to talk about the relationship- was there a relationship? And, of course, it meant that eventually one of them would get bored and then they'd break up and then- 

Skipper slapped himself hard in the face. One problem at a time, before he could start thinking about how awkward it would be when they broke up he had to plan a second date. Something nice, that showed he cared, but not too nice that it seemed like he was trying too hard. Somewhere nicer than a pizza place- but not a fancy hotel or anything. 

In times like these Skipper's options were his boys or google. He could ask Marlene- but she had important exams coming up and was far too busy revising brains and how they worked. He was proud of her, obviously, but what was he meant to do now, ask Kowalski for relationship advice? 

"Rico!" he called, eventually deciding on the only member of the household that had been in a relationship for longer than six months. True, that relationship had been with an anime body pillow but... on second thought maybe advice from Rico was bad plan. Still, bad advice was better than no advice.

"Rico, where in this city is a good date spot? You know, for taking people on dates?" 

Rico who had been pouring glue into his hair to make it stick up further, poked his head into the kitchen where Skipper was going over the records of the last mission. Glue was dripping down his face and onto his shoulders, and he was clutching a large unopened tube of pva in his hand, ready to try adding more to the sticky mess that was his hair. So far, it looked flatter and less sticky-uppy, but Skipper was not going to judge. 

"You coul- uhh" Rico bit his lip, "arcade?" he suggested, rubbing his free hand in his hair. It spiked up for a second before flopping back down. Skipper didn't like to order his men about when it came to their personal affairs, but what was wrong with hairgel? 

"Is the arcade not a bit- teenage?" asked Skipper, despite absolutely loving the games that involved a healthy amount of violence. Rico shrugged, and went back to the bathroom to put more glue in his hair. Skipper, who took his own hair very seriously, winced, before returning to his mission reports. 

Dinner wasn't too cliche, was it? 

He glanced at the bouquet of flowers that he had put in a vase, and placed on the kitchen table. They weren't at all cliche, despite being something that Skipper would have sneered at a week ago, but now made him smile whenever he looked at them. Should he buy Julien flowers on the date? But then Julien would have to carry them around and it would be inconvenient and make everything less fun. A single flower then- or was that stupid, bringing your date a single rose? And how deep in a relationship did you have to be to give your partner roses, surely roses were a declaration of undying love, not I think you're hot and I like spending time with you. 

Skipper decided that flowers were a no.

Before he could talk himself out of it- before the loud music would start for Julien's morning exercise and before Julien showed up at Skipper's door to show him the guest list for the party he was planning, he sent a very quick text. 

Are you free tonight at 7? 

He did not have to wait long for an answer, but still, longest fifteen seconds of Skipper's life; including all the parts of stake out missions when he'd been so sure he was about to be caught. 

is this a date 😘😘😉

Skipper felt himself blush at the blowing kiss emojis, especially as he had not technically kissed Julien yet- (oh god would this be that date?) but summoned the same bravery that let him walk into a tattoo parlour, and texted back 

Don't tell your mother 

Then, on impulse he added a winky face emoji. 

He then threw his phone across the room onto the sofa and buried his head in his hands because bravery only lasts so long, and he had fainted the second the needle had started moving in the tattoo parlour, so the fact that he was still conscious was in actual fact an achievement.

His phone buzzed and he lunged across the room to grab it.

only if you dont  
also how cold is where were going  
i dont want to get so cold i have to borrow another jumper 😜😉

Skipper felt his cheeks heating up again, even though this was perfectly innocent texting, and sent a quick reply telling Julien that they were going to get dinner which was pretty warm- but after that, who knew where the evening would take them?

Several winky emojis, and one or two slightly more raunchy ones left Skipper a blushing mess, but now he had set up a date and finished going over the mission files- so all in all a successful morning. He still had to deal with whatever disaster Rico had left in the bathroom- and order the man to buy some decent hairgel- seriously, what was with using pva glue? 

*******************

Skipper had spent several hours with Julien that morning arguing about whether or not everyone who he was inviting to the party on Saturday could bring plus ones. Julien had been wearing Skipper's jumper, and the flowers Julien had bought were on the table they were sitting at. Neither of them mentioned the date- either the one they had had a few days ago, or the one that was to occur later that night. 

Now Skipper was standing outside Julien's apartment, tapping his fingers against his trousers nervously, a small, but very bright, yellow flower clutched in his hand- romance was not dead. He had considered putting eyeliner on, he wasn't as skilled as Julien, but he did wear some on occasion, but decided to save that for the third date- if they had one. 

Julien came to the door wearing a crop top and low cut trousers completely impractical for the cold weather- and was that highlight? His cheekbones looked fantastic. Not that Skipper was going to spend his evening staring at his date- he was a functional gay, not a disaster gay. 

"Is that for me?" said Julien, taking the flower Skipper had brought him, and tucking it in his hair. 

Perhaps Skipper ought to rethink that functional gay status. 

"Are you going to complain all the way to the because your cold?" asked Skipper, because trying to compliment Julien on his outfit would lead to him saying something very embarrassing indeed. 

Julien smiled, and took hold of Skipper's hand. "We'll take a cab, silly, on me," 

Skipper didn't even try to object, even though he was the instigator of the date, so should really pay for everything, because Julien's hand still felt so good in his, and honestly it would be nice not to have to walk or take the metro to the restaurant he had picked. 

"Where are we going?" asked Julien, as they took the elevator down to the ground floor. They were still holding hands, and standing so close Skipper could smell the dumbasses fruity shampoo. It was nice, nicer than the cheap head and shoulders stuff Skipper shared with his boys. 

"You with me, babe?" asked Julien, squeezing Skipper's hand, and Skipper was too busy dealing with the fact that he had actually zoned out on the smell of Julien's hair like some lovestruck teenager, which was disgusting, to register the pet name. 

"Yeah, uhh, Olive Garden-" he really hoped his hands weren't sweating, "-we're going to Olive Garden- they have these breadsticks that better than snowcones on a hot Sunday,"

Julien chewed his lip thoughtfully, and then said something that horrified Skipper to his very core. "I've never actually had a snowcone," 

It was September, and far to cold for anyone to be loosing their snowcone virginity, and would simply lead to resent towards the snowcone from the snowcone virgin. Skipper knew this, had explained this to Rico when he'd tried to force snowcones down Marlene's throat in December when she had admitted to the cardinal sin of never having had a snowcone. 

"It's like a really shitty popsicle," Skipper began as way of explanation, "or a firm slushy- in summer I will take you to get one," 

Julien nodded, his face serious for a second, "I will hold you to that, Mr. Skipper," before breaking out into another smile, "Now onwards! To the Garden of Olives," 

Skipper suppressed a tiny smile as he hailed a cab, still holding Julien's hand, this was nice. 

*************

"What the fuck is this!" Julien looked suspiciously at the basket of breadsticks on the table.

"Breadsticks," said Skipper slowly, breaking one in half and dipping it in butter. 

Julien picked one up and squinted at it, "This is a stick of bread, not a breadstick." 

"That's what a breadstick is?" 

"No its not? Breadsticks should be crunchier and thinner and- oh!" Julien paused to chew, making quiet moaning noises as he did so, "my mouth is delighted this is wonderful!" 

Skipper moved his hand away from where he had shoved part of the breadstick into Julien's mouth, and smiled smugly, "Breadsticks are the best part of Olive Garden," 

Julien grabbed several remaining breadsticks, and began breaking them up and spreading them with butter. "These are so good- why do we not have these at home?" 

"What are your breadsticks like then, if they're not sticks of bread?"

"They're like," Julien made a vague circular moment with his hand "thin crispy sticks, kind of bland really," he paused to stuff more breadstick in his mouth. "These are so much better," he continued, his mouth full of breadstick. 

Skipper laughed, and helped himself to another breadstick before Julien ate them all. 

Second dates, as it turned out, were better than first dates. There was none of the "is this a date pressure", and Skipper vaguely remembered that dates were fun, once he got over the whole asking bit. It helped that Julien wore his heart on his sleeve, and was very obviously also enjoying himself. It also helped that they were both getting progressively wasted. 

Eventually, they mutually decided they were too drunk for Olive Garden, and began walking back towards the apartment building. It was cold, and Julien was, predictably, wearing Skipper's jumper. They were going to hail a cab, at some point, but it was a beautiful night. 

Also, some moments are not meant to be watched by cab drivers. 

"You know-" said Julien, his cheeks flushed beautifully, "I didn't think that I'd like you this much by now," 

"You didn't?" Skipper felt something in his chest, not too different to the way it felt when his stab wounds healed. Julien liked him... much? How much was much? More than Skipper felt that he had ever been liked before.

"No I mean," Julien waved his arms around emphatically, "You were all grumpy and cute and I thought it would be fun to you know, wind you up, and it was but," he kept rambling, his arms waving about more and more dramatically. His face was flushed from the alcohol and maybe his words, but he didn't slow down, and Skipper decided that this was not someone who he could just date for a year and get bored of. He was going to keep Julien in his life no matter what. 

He reached out, and gently touched Julien's cheek, and Julien stopped talking. They looked at each other for a second, and Skipper couldn't remember the last time someone had looked at him like that, like he was something to be cherished. Then they were kissing. 

Kissing Julien made Skipper momentarily forget they were walking down a dingy New York street, and for a moment all he could think was "holy shit,". Then his brain was static and all he could hear was the far too fast sound of his own heart beat and he didn't care because he was kissing Julien and his lips were so soft. 

"I can make Maurice and Mort disappear," Julien murmured against his lips, "We can go back to my place, yeah?" 

"Yeah." 

"Yeah," Skipper could feel Julien smiling as he spoke, noticed the way he kept holding his hand as they hailed a cab home, noticed the way he held the door to his apartment open for him, before pressing their faces together.

Yeah, he thought, I'm keeping this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so before i make excuses, I must thank my friend Zoe from the discord server who explained very patiently what Olive Garden was and how it worked and what american breadsticks were. my nickname in that server is now breadsticks???? and hers is breadstick master. fun fact: in england our breadsticks are not like that. they are not beautiful long pieces of bread, they are thin crispy sticks of what is technically bread but not really. 
> 
> ok so basically since the last update i got sick twice and it was very frustrating. also the coronavirus happened and my exams were cancelled and basically it went like this: bam your ill. bam your better heres all the catch up work in the world. bam your exams are cancelled you have to do all these papers as evidence you could pass your gcses. bam your ill again. 
> 
> also i had to write a kissing scene and it was so hard. kissing is so gross, mouths are so gross
> 
> anyway, love you all, thanks for not abandoning me, see you next chapter


End file.
